3 Rules About Fart Jokes In Our House (and an extra one I made up this morning)

Not my kid.

The sound of boys waking up was steadily increasing from a rustle to a ruckus. I stuck my head in their room and told them to hush and lay down.

No kids till 7, if I can help it.

Soon their bunk-to-bunk conversation was audible again in the room where I sat. After mentioning that they don't love me and that they want some nachos, they moved on to the more salient topics of the morning: Peeing, pooping, farting, and their joke of the day — garnering that honor for its novelty and absurdity as well as its repugnance — pee farting.

It went on like this, with me ignoring them, trying to let boys be boys, and them spiritedly discussing their bums. Finally, I walked in and told them, "No more butt jokes."

My 3-year-old responded, "What about penis jokes?"

At this point I decided two things.

One, we need to regulate this humor.
And, two, It was close enough to 7:00.

At breakfast, I told them the new rules about fart jokes, etc.

1. Not in big groups.
2. Not with people who don't want to hear it.
3. Not while we're eating.

That seemed to me to cover the essentials. I want my kids to be polite, but I don't want to be unrealistic.

Also, I want them to have a good boyish laugh from time to time. Like this:

Butt.

See what I did there? All my 6-year-old readers are dying right now.

These rules seemed to dam the river of excremental humor roiling inside my oldest, but I may have built the dam too low…

Not my toilet.

On the car ride to school this morning, I'd had about all I can take. He kept telling gross jokes which were based on the previous gross joke and were, thus, grosser. It was an unfortunate continuum. And the other little fellow in the carpool kept laughing.

I interrupted their repartee to inform them that there is a big word for poop jokes. For a moment, he and his friend directed their laughter toward me. ("He said poop.")

It's scatological, I told them.

This being the ride to school and all, I figured they might as well learn something while they get their gross-out giggles.

Then I told them Rule #4…

No rude jokes unless you know and can accurately employ the phrase, Is now a good time for scatological humor?

I spent the next 5 minutes ensuring that my son could ask this question with correct pronunciation. Then we pulled into the parking lot and I reminded him not to be a little punk in class and that I love him. He and his friend ran off to class.



Now, I know this fourth rule isn't going to work at all, but hey, he believed it was legit long enough to practice saying scatological over and over again. Which means we arrived at school without me having to hear the story of the little town that got flooded by a giant going pee again.

As far as rules go, I'd say that's an out-and-out success.